i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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