But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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