We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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