I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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