It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
