is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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