I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
