he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
