i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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