Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
so much tequila, so little girl.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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