you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
