Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
