You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
