My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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