my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
