She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
