fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
