Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
