Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
