So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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