oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
