I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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