that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
