oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
