So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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