I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
