Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
