we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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