she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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