omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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