at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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