Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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