God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
