Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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