i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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