i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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