so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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