How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You may now shotgun with the bride
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize