everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
