i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
