Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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