I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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