im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
