oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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