worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
