So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
