it hurts more in the daytime
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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