Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
