someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize