i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
