At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
