I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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