if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
