I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
