last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
