i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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