Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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