FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
